The world is such a confusing place. The moral depravity of society is a direct result of over scrutinizing some behaviors while turning a blind eye to others. We pick and choose our favorites. We allow them to commit all sorts of absurdities and then we turn on those we do not like.
Earlier today while driving in my car I was thinking about what a co-worker said, "The world would be a better place if everyone lost their inhibitions and communicated honestly all the time."
I disagree with the very core of my being. But I do not feel that absolute suppression is the answer either. You see, in my opinion people are bluntly honest about the things that do not matter, and dishonest about that which needs absolute truth... there is no longer balance in the world.
My mother always accused of me of seeing everything as black or white (metaphorically speaking), and I believe this is what caused me to strive to see the shades of grey as I matured into an adult. That being said, I also feel that this is the reason I do not fit in society. You see our society has become obsessed with extremes, there are seldom shades of grey anymore because people lack empathy and perception.... they have tuned these things out to overcome depression and turn morbid events into entertainment. It is almost a survival mechanism to cope with what most have forgotten are horrible rough times.
Miley Cyrus at the VMA's.... people are quick to cast dispersions and drop jaws in shock, but the truth is what she did is no different than what female pop stars have been doing for decades. The truth is they know that the world is obsessed with extremes so they produce extremes in an attempt to make money. If it did not work and it did not sell they would not do it. You, the society, create the monsters that you ridicule. You have parented an entire generation of soulless people that live for cheap thrills and juicy gossip. It is disgusting. And some of you who have said some outright horrible remarks about her, are the same that I have seen flashing your tits at concerts or at bars on mardi gras, or cheating on your wives/husbands while they watch your children so you can go out and whore it up. Some of you have blown bill money putting shit up your nose, or sucking on the glass dick. Some of you have been arrested for DUI's or fucked a chick that was barely legal. Some of you have stolen from close friends and/or family, others have gotten so wasted that you made a complete ass of yourself in public and embarrassed everyone that you are with...........that being said how do you sit on a high horse and judge a girl that has not been allowed to grow up on her own term and has felt forced into this slap in the face just to move on in her life and in her career. The climb's subtle approach didn't loosen the chains society placed on her.
Yes her performance was wacky and extreme.....but no more so than a variety of other artists...and fuck you people she has a beautiful voice. I feel bad for any young people that grow up under the constant scrutiny of the American public, it fucks their heads up so bad. I would never allow my children to have this fate, because Americans suck ass. They pretend to hate the things they buy into. It is disgusting. It is almost a double life, like an addict. Their guilty pleasures are rancid and kept secret while they post socially about their morality as though no one knows the real them.
I am not a huge fan of Miley Cyrus, I like a few of her songs and I am not trying to "defend" her, but I cant help but remember the dance floors at the bars I've visited and seeing people so wasted they were doing the stupidest shit and I can't help but think....what right do you have to judge anyone?
Maybe you should ask yourself why you exhibit the same behaviors that someone you criticize does....try to find a balance and stop living in extremes. Or better yet, turn off the fucking TV and figure out who the fuck you are!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Monday, November 5, 2012
Roll on Roll on Rollercoaster
I have these moments. They are far less than an epiphany but more than a light bulb, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, these moments are like fireworks that burst quickly in the sky and fade fast. When I have these moments is usually when I am prompted to write because otherwise the thought or idea is forgotten quickly.
I came here [to my blog] after reading a friend's blog. I was reading through the last entry I posted, and almost relived the anger that I was feeling at that time. This caused me to have one of my moments. A moment of reflection.
My life has been tough. It may have been unfair to blame the exes girlfriend though. Maybe I was just angry or jealous, or maybe even both. I hate how my ex acts and thinks. He is a product of his raising, his family has screwy priorities and a tendency to encourage and enable poor behavior by diverting the attention on to others. I do not like who my ex chose, neither do my children, sadly. But the fact is, its not my decision to make and there is simply nothing I can do about it but accept it and make the best out of the situation. Being angry with him or her distracts me from being the best mom I can be to the two people I love the most in this world, my kids. If he or her fuck up, that's on them. If I fuck up because I let my heart fill with hatred and bitterness, well that's on me.
So.....
Over the past few months I have let it go. I limit how often I see or speak to my ex. When I do speak to my ex I try to keep the subjects light or about the kids. After all there was no point of me leaving or us getting divorced if the kids and us have to contend with constant bickering and fighting right?
Letting go of the anger has been amazing for me. Now I am focusing on my goals better. I am also able to appreciate the milestones I have made in such a short period of time, but that's another story for another post.
SO what is the point of this story?
It is easy as a single mom to get caught up in the victim role, let hate and bitterness consume you. Some of us even go out of our way to make the exes life miserable. That doesn't solve anything, and even the revenge is exacted it only gives you satisfaction for so long before you are right back in the same dark place again. Part of being a good single mom is letting things go and picking your battles. Your babies need you don't choose anger and hatred over loving them and you will be ok.
~Gemini
I came here [to my blog] after reading a friend's blog. I was reading through the last entry I posted, and almost relived the anger that I was feeling at that time. This caused me to have one of my moments. A moment of reflection.
My life has been tough. It may have been unfair to blame the exes girlfriend though. Maybe I was just angry or jealous, or maybe even both. I hate how my ex acts and thinks. He is a product of his raising, his family has screwy priorities and a tendency to encourage and enable poor behavior by diverting the attention on to others. I do not like who my ex chose, neither do my children, sadly. But the fact is, its not my decision to make and there is simply nothing I can do about it but accept it and make the best out of the situation. Being angry with him or her distracts me from being the best mom I can be to the two people I love the most in this world, my kids. If he or her fuck up, that's on them. If I fuck up because I let my heart fill with hatred and bitterness, well that's on me.
So.....
Over the past few months I have let it go. I limit how often I see or speak to my ex. When I do speak to my ex I try to keep the subjects light or about the kids. After all there was no point of me leaving or us getting divorced if the kids and us have to contend with constant bickering and fighting right?
Letting go of the anger has been amazing for me. Now I am focusing on my goals better. I am also able to appreciate the milestones I have made in such a short period of time, but that's another story for another post.
SO what is the point of this story?
It is easy as a single mom to get caught up in the victim role, let hate and bitterness consume you. Some of us even go out of our way to make the exes life miserable. That doesn't solve anything, and even the revenge is exacted it only gives you satisfaction for so long before you are right back in the same dark place again. Part of being a good single mom is letting things go and picking your battles. Your babies need you don't choose anger and hatred over loving them and you will be ok.
~Gemini
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011, a year that is not going to be missed.
This year was by far one of the most devastating years of my life. Now I am not just some random victim in the time and space continuum. Most of the bad shit that happened this year was a direct result of years of negligence and poor decision making and also a direct result of fear. What did I fear? Living my own life! Being independent and therefore independently responsible for my own life and all decisions within. The sad thing is, I am a fraud. My friends, family, and other random groups view me as this wise, independent, and vastly intelligent individual who is capable of anything should i choose to set my mind to it. This is simply not the case, and any semblance there of is simply me tap dancing in the role that others have designated for me. In reality, I am scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of the future, scared of my fate, scared of love, scared of loneliness, and scared of success and happiness.
This year..... this long and terrifying year, well it has forced me into a different mind set. It has forced me to deal with my fears and plan around them anyhow.
This nightmare all started with a man...as they always usually do (or starts with a woman if you are a man). This last year was not all horrible I experienced a lot of firsts. This year was the first time a actually fell in love. REAL LOVE! The kind of love where you are willing to sacrifice every bit of yourself despite not getting a single damn thing you want because the welfare of that person means so much more to you than your self. Yeah that kind of love. We are not together, but I love him regardless. Their is a possibility we may end up together, but currently he is nothing more than a friend.
Another man, whom I used to call a friend, my ex-husband he also wandered into a new relationship this year with a very insecure immigrant who does not love him a bit. Because love means sacrificing what you want as an individual for the better good of someone else. Well you see me and the ex have shared a residence since 1998 outside a few months here and there. We did this because it was affordable for us both. We took care of our children together, we were friends, and we appreciated one another (most of the time). This girl that he chose who is about 7 years older than myself and should be capable of some amount of logical thought, knew full well what the situation was upon entering into it. She chose to do so in spite of the fact we lived together with our two children. She then began to apply enormous amounts of pressure on him after a few months of dating to be rid of me, or the ultimatum, be rid of her. My jackass ex who has no ability to control his emotions once so ever, who either avoids the issue or acts in a way that is so extreme you are flabbergasted by his audacity had one of his all-time-low moments. You see, June 18th this year, also my birthday, my friend Jill was staying at our home, we were laughing in the living room, and he was talking to his unstable and insecure girlfriend on the phone... she hung up on him, maybe because she heard two females laughing in the background, i don't know. What I do know, after she hung up, the ex was a raging nut. I was trying to get him to talk it out because he was slamming stuff and acting like an asshole to me, my company, and our children but he gets even worse, blaming me for her breaking up with him, threatening to take my kids from me and make me pay child support, and all kinds of irrational nonsense. He stomps upstairs and I was upset and I flung a frying pan across the room. Everything was fine until this bitch came along and started the pussy whip strings on my impressionable sex driven idiot of an ex husband. Seriously, he chose her cause she was the first one to put out! The rest were not sure if they even wanted to meet him. But I digress, After flinging the frying pan, I decided it was my birthday and I needed to get the hell away from captain psycho nut and get the kids and my friend from Ohio out of the house. So I told my children to get around to go, well captain psycho nut came downstairs and tried to withhold my children from me. They were terrified, and I was trying to get around him to get Taylee who is now crying and the man decides to attack me. He almost pushed me over but I grabbed his shoulders to keep myself steady, he then whipped me around in some military style combat move, threw me in the corner and began kneeing me in the back....and just as he balled up his fist and got ready to punch my lights out his older son from a previous marriage screams for him to stop. Thank God! I would have been a goner had it not been for that. And keep in mind now both of our children, his older son, and my best friend from Ohio is all a witness to this. My son is terrified and standing by the front door, so I wiggle away from the now stunned ex, and send Seth next door to call the police.
So me and the kids moved into a domestic violence shelter, and my dad bought me an old truck from my stepfather. And I tried my best to finish school and keep my head up. Then he started taking shit out on my son. But in spite of all this I still tried to give the man a chance to do right, had his charges dismissed, dropped my custody case and kept it 50/50, all I asked was for him to not make me sorry about it. And guess what he made me sorry about it!
Now I have my own place and my own future. Eventually I will have the kids. Not cause I take him to court but because he fucks up, or because the kids get older and decide to stay with me. I have given this man every opportunity to do right, and every time he just hangs himself over a woman who would not do the same for him ever. He is an idiot that thinks with his penis, always has and always will.
Which is what makes the guy I love seem so great, this man is practical, honest, courteous, and he is not afraid to talk things out, he is the real deal and makes my ex look like a little boy.
But my fear of moving on, the fear of guilt as I watch my kids sad faces as I move out is what kept me living with my ex. What I am saying is, that you can not live in fear and hiding of your life. Eventually it will catch up to you times ten as it had for me over this summer. I should have ran from my ex years ago, when he beat the shit out of his older kids and encouraged me to be rough and consistent with them as well. I should have known then that he was a monster, but sadly I was naive and stupid. For the last thirteen years this man has tried to convince me that I would not be able to get by without him, that I couldn't handle the kids on my own, that my parents would never help me, and that I was too fucked up to hold a job or do anything right. He corrected me and patronized me like I was some kind of unstable retard that he had to take care of. When in actuality, I DID take care of the kids when he was gone, I DID graduate with my associate degree, I DID get my own place, and I DID a good job with our kids....NOT HIM.
Being in the shelter for 90 days sucked, but it helped me erase the subliminal messages he etched in my head over the last thirteen years.
So even though it was a miserable ride, thank god I made it!
This year..... this long and terrifying year, well it has forced me into a different mind set. It has forced me to deal with my fears and plan around them anyhow.
This nightmare all started with a man...as they always usually do (or starts with a woman if you are a man). This last year was not all horrible I experienced a lot of firsts. This year was the first time a actually fell in love. REAL LOVE! The kind of love where you are willing to sacrifice every bit of yourself despite not getting a single damn thing you want because the welfare of that person means so much more to you than your self. Yeah that kind of love. We are not together, but I love him regardless. Their is a possibility we may end up together, but currently he is nothing more than a friend.
Another man, whom I used to call a friend, my ex-husband he also wandered into a new relationship this year with a very insecure immigrant who does not love him a bit. Because love means sacrificing what you want as an individual for the better good of someone else. Well you see me and the ex have shared a residence since 1998 outside a few months here and there. We did this because it was affordable for us both. We took care of our children together, we were friends, and we appreciated one another (most of the time). This girl that he chose who is about 7 years older than myself and should be capable of some amount of logical thought, knew full well what the situation was upon entering into it. She chose to do so in spite of the fact we lived together with our two children. She then began to apply enormous amounts of pressure on him after a few months of dating to be rid of me, or the ultimatum, be rid of her. My jackass ex who has no ability to control his emotions once so ever, who either avoids the issue or acts in a way that is so extreme you are flabbergasted by his audacity had one of his all-time-low moments. You see, June 18th this year, also my birthday, my friend Jill was staying at our home, we were laughing in the living room, and he was talking to his unstable and insecure girlfriend on the phone... she hung up on him, maybe because she heard two females laughing in the background, i don't know. What I do know, after she hung up, the ex was a raging nut. I was trying to get him to talk it out because he was slamming stuff and acting like an asshole to me, my company, and our children but he gets even worse, blaming me for her breaking up with him, threatening to take my kids from me and make me pay child support, and all kinds of irrational nonsense. He stomps upstairs and I was upset and I flung a frying pan across the room. Everything was fine until this bitch came along and started the pussy whip strings on my impressionable sex driven idiot of an ex husband. Seriously, he chose her cause she was the first one to put out! The rest were not sure if they even wanted to meet him. But I digress, After flinging the frying pan, I decided it was my birthday and I needed to get the hell away from captain psycho nut and get the kids and my friend from Ohio out of the house. So I told my children to get around to go, well captain psycho nut came downstairs and tried to withhold my children from me. They were terrified, and I was trying to get around him to get Taylee who is now crying and the man decides to attack me. He almost pushed me over but I grabbed his shoulders to keep myself steady, he then whipped me around in some military style combat move, threw me in the corner and began kneeing me in the back....and just as he balled up his fist and got ready to punch my lights out his older son from a previous marriage screams for him to stop. Thank God! I would have been a goner had it not been for that. And keep in mind now both of our children, his older son, and my best friend from Ohio is all a witness to this. My son is terrified and standing by the front door, so I wiggle away from the now stunned ex, and send Seth next door to call the police.
So me and the kids moved into a domestic violence shelter, and my dad bought me an old truck from my stepfather. And I tried my best to finish school and keep my head up. Then he started taking shit out on my son. But in spite of all this I still tried to give the man a chance to do right, had his charges dismissed, dropped my custody case and kept it 50/50, all I asked was for him to not make me sorry about it. And guess what he made me sorry about it!
Now I have my own place and my own future. Eventually I will have the kids. Not cause I take him to court but because he fucks up, or because the kids get older and decide to stay with me. I have given this man every opportunity to do right, and every time he just hangs himself over a woman who would not do the same for him ever. He is an idiot that thinks with his penis, always has and always will.
Which is what makes the guy I love seem so great, this man is practical, honest, courteous, and he is not afraid to talk things out, he is the real deal and makes my ex look like a little boy.
But my fear of moving on, the fear of guilt as I watch my kids sad faces as I move out is what kept me living with my ex. What I am saying is, that you can not live in fear and hiding of your life. Eventually it will catch up to you times ten as it had for me over this summer. I should have ran from my ex years ago, when he beat the shit out of his older kids and encouraged me to be rough and consistent with them as well. I should have known then that he was a monster, but sadly I was naive and stupid. For the last thirteen years this man has tried to convince me that I would not be able to get by without him, that I couldn't handle the kids on my own, that my parents would never help me, and that I was too fucked up to hold a job or do anything right. He corrected me and patronized me like I was some kind of unstable retard that he had to take care of. When in actuality, I DID take care of the kids when he was gone, I DID graduate with my associate degree, I DID get my own place, and I DID a good job with our kids....NOT HIM.
Being in the shelter for 90 days sucked, but it helped me erase the subliminal messages he etched in my head over the last thirteen years.
So even though it was a miserable ride, thank god I made it!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Laps Around Reality
I have been on a mission to loose weight for just over a year now. I have managed to squeeze out 50 lbs worth and not gain any during my cycles of inactivity. Part of my rigorous training includes walking laps in a local mall when the climate is unfavorable to outdoor walking. I do this quite often because there is something about seeing those skinny size zero maniquins wearing clothes that I would literally die to fit into that just motivates me like nothing else. In fact, sometimes I spend so much time ogling the window displays, listening to music, and checking out my shrinking butt in the mirrors that I fail to notice the other non-plastic, living displays that walk (or graze) amongst me.
In the mall were I live it is a very diverse crowd. And I mean diverse. Babies to elderly, every color, every ethnicity, every sexual orientation, every socio-economic class, working and non-working, trouble makers and socialites....everything.
Today as I walked the halls of this mall, I really noticed people. I noticed how seriously some of them seemed, and how apathetic others seemed, happy, lost, confused, bitter, judgemental... the works. And it made myself think about what they see when they see others. Or for that matter how do the see themselves? How close is what the perceive to the truth?
To me the mall is a mill, turning out spenders at an alarming rate. There is an addiction to living beyond your means in this country, and an addiction to putting more value into items you purchase as opposed to those in which you can not (which are far more valuable in my opinion.) These people in the mall are all there trying to fill a hole. Some crave attention, some crave employment, some crave social interaction, some crave shopping, some crave food, some crave getting away from their homes, and some crave getting out of the cold. Or in my case I crave to be the tight little body that fits in those cute little clothes. Either way ya look at it our priorities are completely screwed.
In the mall were I live it is a very diverse crowd. And I mean diverse. Babies to elderly, every color, every ethnicity, every sexual orientation, every socio-economic class, working and non-working, trouble makers and socialites....everything.
Today as I walked the halls of this mall, I really noticed people. I noticed how seriously some of them seemed, and how apathetic others seemed, happy, lost, confused, bitter, judgemental... the works. And it made myself think about what they see when they see others. Or for that matter how do the see themselves? How close is what the perceive to the truth?
To me the mall is a mill, turning out spenders at an alarming rate. There is an addiction to living beyond your means in this country, and an addiction to putting more value into items you purchase as opposed to those in which you can not (which are far more valuable in my opinion.) These people in the mall are all there trying to fill a hole. Some crave attention, some crave employment, some crave social interaction, some crave shopping, some crave food, some crave getting away from their homes, and some crave getting out of the cold. Or in my case I crave to be the tight little body that fits in those cute little clothes. Either way ya look at it our priorities are completely screwed.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
When All Is Going Well, Act Like An Ass Until You Fail!
My life, well its an interesting mix of accidents, mistakes, and complete bone-head moments...well I guess no more than the others that inhabit this wonderful cess pool of greed that we all share (despite how cleverly we fool ourselves into believing otherwise.) I am not particularly special, unless I decide to feel that way... and sometimes I do force myself to believe that I am something unusual or unique cause it helps eliminate the depression that sometimes creeps up on me on cold rainy days like Jack the Ripper wearing a shirt that plainly states "I like to stab chicks!" Yeah... my mental processes are sloppy and not well thought out to put it kindly, but most of the time I am A-ok with that. The disorganization helps me recapture my fairytale delusions in record time when I need them most. And in a world where greed and instant-gratification, and political and economical distress reign supreme, I DO most certainly need that delusional little bubble as a cushion to the proverbial broken glass at my feet. What am I getting at? No seriously, I am asking... cause lately everything is so upside down it feels like I'm walking on the sky and breathing the grass!
I had a fairytale once. Well probably more than once. I am one of those lucky individuals that great things tend to fall in my lap, and for whatever reason they startle me to such an extreme I throw them away the minute I realize the weight of it. Some of my "new-agey" friends believe that this is because I am a Gemini, and some of my psychology major friends think that this is because I am "bi-polar", and some of my friends that get high think that I am bi-polar because I am a Gemini. In either scenario, I have a very difficult time pin pointing what I want in life and suffer greatly from GIG syndrome (Grass is Greener.)
About every 5 years I go through this cycle... I call it my re-shelving cycle. I discard all which is old and tattered and exchange it for that which is new and exciting, with the occasional relapse into safety land which represents an individual who I will keep nameless in this blog, but they are pretty much the only constant in my life. The best way to explain this odd and strange cycle is the song the Sheryl Crow made famous called "Run Baby Run." One of the lyrics in there has always fit me like a glove:
"Run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run
Past the arms of the familiar
And their talk of better days
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
so long
Baby loves to run"
I guess my point in confessing all this, is because I really want to be different. Sadly, I have no clue how. Recently I alienated someone out of my life that was very important. Sure they had a mess of issues, and I was able to justify my abrasive decision to edit them from my life based on a grocery list of logical concerns and issues that I could very well argue were destructive forces in their life and mine. But then, what am I but an unraveling ball of issues? And where did my loyalty fail to excuse such a hateful disconnect from someone that has actually been there for me quite a bit more than most have the patience to tolerate? Is it fear? Fear of eventually losing them to others, or to the lifestyle they dabble in? A preemptive detachment to save my self the grading hurt of rejection that seems to be the only other constant in my life?
What is extremely unusual about it, is I have never regretted pink-slipping people in my life, I always felt like it was the only way to move on. Not this time. This time it feels as though I have just made probably the most insanely stupid mistake I have ever made, and one I prolly will not recover from.
Perhaps at some point I will figure out where this defective personality quality came from, and learn how to combat the urge to vomit those who care about me from my life, until then I am not exactly sure how to proceed, whether I should let it be or should I make some attempt, no matter how mute, to regain that which I have tossed aside being my delusional and paranoid and often erratic and impulsive self?
I had a fairytale once. Well probably more than once. I am one of those lucky individuals that great things tend to fall in my lap, and for whatever reason they startle me to such an extreme I throw them away the minute I realize the weight of it. Some of my "new-agey" friends believe that this is because I am a Gemini, and some of my psychology major friends think that this is because I am "bi-polar", and some of my friends that get high think that I am bi-polar because I am a Gemini. In either scenario, I have a very difficult time pin pointing what I want in life and suffer greatly from GIG syndrome (Grass is Greener.)
About every 5 years I go through this cycle... I call it my re-shelving cycle. I discard all which is old and tattered and exchange it for that which is new and exciting, with the occasional relapse into safety land which represents an individual who I will keep nameless in this blog, but they are pretty much the only constant in my life. The best way to explain this odd and strange cycle is the song the Sheryl Crow made famous called "Run Baby Run." One of the lyrics in there has always fit me like a glove:
"Run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run
Past the arms of the familiar
And their talk of better days
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
so long
Baby loves to run"
I guess my point in confessing all this, is because I really want to be different. Sadly, I have no clue how. Recently I alienated someone out of my life that was very important. Sure they had a mess of issues, and I was able to justify my abrasive decision to edit them from my life based on a grocery list of logical concerns and issues that I could very well argue were destructive forces in their life and mine. But then, what am I but an unraveling ball of issues? And where did my loyalty fail to excuse such a hateful disconnect from someone that has actually been there for me quite a bit more than most have the patience to tolerate? Is it fear? Fear of eventually losing them to others, or to the lifestyle they dabble in? A preemptive detachment to save my self the grading hurt of rejection that seems to be the only other constant in my life?
What is extremely unusual about it, is I have never regretted pink-slipping people in my life, I always felt like it was the only way to move on. Not this time. This time it feels as though I have just made probably the most insanely stupid mistake I have ever made, and one I prolly will not recover from.
Perhaps at some point I will figure out where this defective personality quality came from, and learn how to combat the urge to vomit those who care about me from my life, until then I am not exactly sure how to proceed, whether I should let it be or should I make some attempt, no matter how mute, to regain that which I have tossed aside being my delusional and paranoid and often erratic and impulsive self?
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