This year was by far one of the most devastating years of my life. Now I am not just some random victim in the time and space continuum. Most of the bad shit that happened this year was a direct result of years of negligence and poor decision making and also a direct result of fear. What did I fear? Living my own life! Being independent and therefore independently responsible for my own life and all decisions within. The sad thing is, I am a fraud. My friends, family, and other random groups view me as this wise, independent, and vastly intelligent individual who is capable of anything should i choose to set my mind to it. This is simply not the case, and any semblance there of is simply me tap dancing in the role that others have designated for me. In reality, I am scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of the future, scared of my fate, scared of love, scared of loneliness, and scared of success and happiness.
This year..... this long and terrifying year, well it has forced me into a different mind set. It has forced me to deal with my fears and plan around them anyhow.
This nightmare all started with a man...as they always usually do (or starts with a woman if you are a man). This last year was not all horrible I experienced a lot of firsts. This year was the first time a actually fell in love. REAL LOVE! The kind of love where you are willing to sacrifice every bit of yourself despite not getting a single damn thing you want because the welfare of that person means so much more to you than your self. Yeah that kind of love. We are not together, but I love him regardless. Their is a possibility we may end up together, but currently he is nothing more than a friend.
Another man, whom I used to call a friend, my ex-husband he also wandered into a new relationship this year with a very insecure immigrant who does not love him a bit. Because love means sacrificing what you want as an individual for the better good of someone else. Well you see me and the ex have shared a residence since 1998 outside a few months here and there. We did this because it was affordable for us both. We took care of our children together, we were friends, and we appreciated one another (most of the time). This girl that he chose who is about 7 years older than myself and should be capable of some amount of logical thought, knew full well what the situation was upon entering into it. She chose to do so in spite of the fact we lived together with our two children. She then began to apply enormous amounts of pressure on him after a few months of dating to be rid of me, or the ultimatum, be rid of her. My jackass ex who has no ability to control his emotions once so ever, who either avoids the issue or acts in a way that is so extreme you are flabbergasted by his audacity had one of his all-time-low moments. You see, June 18th this year, also my birthday, my friend Jill was staying at our home, we were laughing in the living room, and he was talking to his unstable and insecure girlfriend on the phone... she hung up on him, maybe because she heard two females laughing in the background, i don't know. What I do know, after she hung up, the ex was a raging nut. I was trying to get him to talk it out because he was slamming stuff and acting like an asshole to me, my company, and our children but he gets even worse, blaming me for her breaking up with him, threatening to take my kids from me and make me pay child support, and all kinds of irrational nonsense. He stomps upstairs and I was upset and I flung a frying pan across the room. Everything was fine until this bitch came along and started the pussy whip strings on my impressionable sex driven idiot of an ex husband. Seriously, he chose her cause she was the first one to put out! The rest were not sure if they even wanted to meet him. But I digress, After flinging the frying pan, I decided it was my birthday and I needed to get the hell away from captain psycho nut and get the kids and my friend from Ohio out of the house. So I told my children to get around to go, well captain psycho nut came downstairs and tried to withhold my children from me. They were terrified, and I was trying to get around him to get Taylee who is now crying and the man decides to attack me. He almost pushed me over but I grabbed his shoulders to keep myself steady, he then whipped me around in some military style combat move, threw me in the corner and began kneeing me in the back....and just as he balled up his fist and got ready to punch my lights out his older son from a previous marriage screams for him to stop. Thank God! I would have been a goner had it not been for that. And keep in mind now both of our children, his older son, and my best friend from Ohio is all a witness to this. My son is terrified and standing by the front door, so I wiggle away from the now stunned ex, and send Seth next door to call the police.
So me and the kids moved into a domestic violence shelter, and my dad bought me an old truck from my stepfather. And I tried my best to finish school and keep my head up. Then he started taking shit out on my son. But in spite of all this I still tried to give the man a chance to do right, had his charges dismissed, dropped my custody case and kept it 50/50, all I asked was for him to not make me sorry about it. And guess what he made me sorry about it!
Now I have my own place and my own future. Eventually I will have the kids. Not cause I take him to court but because he fucks up, or because the kids get older and decide to stay with me. I have given this man every opportunity to do right, and every time he just hangs himself over a woman who would not do the same for him ever. He is an idiot that thinks with his penis, always has and always will.
Which is what makes the guy I love seem so great, this man is practical, honest, courteous, and he is not afraid to talk things out, he is the real deal and makes my ex look like a little boy.
But my fear of moving on, the fear of guilt as I watch my kids sad faces as I move out is what kept me living with my ex. What I am saying is, that you can not live in fear and hiding of your life. Eventually it will catch up to you times ten as it had for me over this summer. I should have ran from my ex years ago, when he beat the shit out of his older kids and encouraged me to be rough and consistent with them as well. I should have known then that he was a monster, but sadly I was naive and stupid. For the last thirteen years this man has tried to convince me that I would not be able to get by without him, that I couldn't handle the kids on my own, that my parents would never help me, and that I was too fucked up to hold a job or do anything right. He corrected me and patronized me like I was some kind of unstable retard that he had to take care of. When in actuality, I DID take care of the kids when he was gone, I DID graduate with my associate degree, I DID get my own place, and I DID a good job with our kids....NOT HIM.
Being in the shelter for 90 days sucked, but it helped me erase the subliminal messages he etched in my head over the last thirteen years.
So even though it was a miserable ride, thank god I made it!
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